Mismatched Priorities: Boundaries and Wellbeing

This week I found myself caught in a tension I imagine many of us know well: someone else’s urgent priority became something they expected me to treat as urgent too.

But urgency is subjective. What feels like a burning deadline to one person can be a mild inconvenience to another. In this case, their task suddenly became my responsibility in their eyes and the message was clear: “If it’s urgent for me, it should be urgent for you.”

I realised quite quickly that even though their expectations and chaos were not welcome to my otherwise peaceful day, their anxiety may be real and justified to them. It's just that I see their situation from a different perspective and can use my distance from the problem to consider a simpler and less urgent resolution. To me that's a positive, because their failing, or their pressure, didn’t automatically have to become mine, but to them that's a problem, because their anxiety of the situation gave them the urge to discuss at length and micromanage my handling of the problem they're experiencing.

That’s where the conversation turned to boundaries, and how differently we see them and it reminded me of something I’d read recently, that a mismatch of values will eventually result in a breakdown of any relationship... Ouch!

Why mismatched priorities hurt

When our priorities don’t match, the impact is rarely just practical, it’s also emotional. We can end up frustrated, resentful, or carrying stress that doesn’t belong to us. Holding shower arguments that the other party will never find out about, let alone get the chance to defend themselves against.

That’s because urgency is so often rooted in values. If I value calm and measured progress, I won’t experience urgency in the same way as someone who values speed and results above all else. If I value harmony and relationships, I may feel urgency around connection that someone who values independence simply doesn’t share.

There's also the task itself to consider, and the person under stress may highly value the outcome or response being quick so that they can respond to someone, while I might value the outcome being the correct one, so that they can be fully informed when they get a response.

When these values collide, wellbeing can suffer. One person feels unsupported, the other feels unfairly pressured and unless it’s addressed, that gap can widen into a fault line.

At work: professionalism as protection

Workplaces are full of mismatched priorities. Different teams, different deadlines, different measures of success. It’s unavoidable.

The saving grace is professionalism. Structures like project plans, reporting lines, and role clarity act as buffers so that urgency doesn’t have to feel personal.

Instead of feeling pushed or criticised, you can respond with clarity:

• “That sounds important — who’s the owner for this task?”

• “I can help, but not until X is complete. How would you like me to prioritise?”

• “Here’s the impact on my current workload if I shift to this — shall I escalate for a decision?”

Boundaries at work aren’t cold, they’re efficient. They protect wellbeing while also protecting the workload.

In relationships: warmth vs boundaries

In our personal relationships, mismatched priorities can cut deeper. Saying “your failing is not my emergency” might be a healthy boundary, but delivered without tact, it can sound cold.

It's a tricky balance, because in the workplace we can lean on professionalism to carry the message. At home, logic without warmth feels like rejection.

A gentler way forward could be to:

• Use “I” language: “I feel pressured when…” rather than “You always…”

• Separate the person from the priority. Disagreeing about urgency doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, and recognising their anxiety and asking how you can help them feel comfortable without falling down the anxiety rabbit hole with them might be enough to help them keep their cool.

• Recognise that sometimes compromise is less about logistics, more about values. Meeting in the middle may be about finding shared meaning.

When agreement isn’t possible

But what happens if you just can’t find common ground?

In the workplace, unresolved mismatched priorities can harm team morale, delay outcomes, or create reputational risks. Sometimes the answer is escalation or role adjustment; sometimes it’s recognising that the collaboration isn’t sustainable.

In relationships, the cost is often more personal. Chronic mismatches (e.g. one person craving urgency and action, the other craving calm and patience) can slowly erode trust and connection. If neither can bend without breaking, it may be a signal that the relationship itself needs to be rethought.

The encouraging news is that values don’t have to remain hidden or assumed. Psychologists suggest that clarifying values early and revisiting them regularly can help couples avoid ongoing conflict. Tools such as the Gottman Institute’s “Love Maps” encourage open discussion around what truly matters. Even asking simple, recurring questions like “What feels most important to you this week?” can keep values visible and prevent mismatched priorities from festering.

In the workplace, the process looks different but serves a similar purpose. Here, confidence and clarity are built through frameworks such as personality profiling (e.g., MBTI, DiSC, StrengthsFinder), structured team retrospectives, and even leadership training that explicitly explores decision-making styles. These tools don’t just categorise people, they open the door for colleagues to understand each other’s default priorities, stress responses, and motivations. Repeating these conversations as teams evolve ensures that mismatched priorities are navigated with awareness rather than assumption.

Happy Citta Reflection

So I’ll leave you with this question: Whose urgency are you carrying that doesn’t belong to you?

Protecting your boundaries isn’t cold, it preserves your energy for the things you genuinely value, whether that’s delivering your work well or nurturing your relationships with love and patience.

Mismatched priorities will always crop up, but handled with clarity and compassion, they don’t have to become an end to an otherwise lovely relationship or job... And they certainly don't have to escalate to affect your overall wellbeing.

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