Whose Advice is Right?

When All the Advice Contradicts Itself

We’re surrounded by advice. Loud advice. From so many sources that seem really knowledgeable... Or certainly very confident. Some of it is helpful, some of it is comforting, and some of it is posted on social media in pastel block letters (Don't forget to live, laugh AND love, Hun!)

One phrase I hear often is:
“Be kind to others — you never know what they’re going through.”

When I hear it, I nod in acknowledgement because I do agree with it. But sometimes I also secretly roll my eyes a little bit. Not because it’s wrong, but because it’s one of those phrases that we hear so often it becomes wallpaper. A good idea we like to mention, not necessarily one we like to live.

But it got me thinking about advice in general — the clichés, the contradictions, the fact that almost every rule for living has an opposite rule that’s just as popular and somehow just as persuasive. I know I've stood whole-heartedly with advice in the past that I'd never consider following now.

And if that’s the case, what are we meant to do with all of it? Who can we trust to guide us through this life?

One of our biggest modern problems is that we are swimming in guidance.
Career advice. Wellness advice. Relationship advice. Boundary advice. Parenting advice. Healing advice. Productivity advice...

Each piece often sounds beautifully convincing when you hear it in isolation… until you realise the exact opposite stance is also being shouted from another corner of the internet with equal enthusiasm — so it's a real life skill to avoid following any meme-based advice at all!

With the amount of noise and, frankly, social media addiction, it's sometimes hard to remember that advice is always subjective, and peace comes from choosing what fits your personality, your season of life, your values, and your actual reality.

Here are a few examples that show just how contradictory (and yet equally true) generalised advice can be.

Work Advice: “Push harder” vs “Slow down” vs “Work smarter”

Depending on where you look, success is either the result of grinding, resting, or being strategic enough to avoid both.

• “Work hard — hustle creates opportunity.”

• “Work less — burnout isn’t a badge of honour.”

• “Work smarter — the clever effort beats hard effort.”

All three could be brilliant. All three could also be terrible. Some people genuinely need to push because they’re coasting, while others need to slow down before their body pulls the emergency brake for them. And some people do need the reminder that effort without direction is just motion.

There’s no universal rule here, just self-awareness because it's not even just about the personality of one person or another, the best advice for you today could be the opposite of what it was yesterday. 

Well, surely that's no good then, is it?

Love & Relationship Advice: “Don’t settle” vs “Everyone has flaws”

In the same hour you might hear:

• “Never settle — you deserve the best.”

• “There is no perfect relationship — love is hard work/requires compromise.”

• “If it was really love, you'd just KNOW.”

But which message helps you might depend entirely on what you struggle with. If you’ve spent years with people who couldn’t meet you halfway, “never settle” might be the best advice for your onwards journey. If you walk away at the first sign of discomfort, the second message might be needed, to allow you the opportunity for growth you need.

Contradictions aren’t a problem, they reflect our different struggles.

Useless asking for any help here then, right?

Family & Friendships Advice: “Loyalty” vs “Boundaries”

Common wisdom will tell you:

• “Family comes first.”

• “Cut off toxic relatives to protect your peace.”

• “Find your chosen family — build your own circle.”

All three could be core truths.
All three only work in context.

Some families deserve dedication.
Some families require distance.
Some people rebuild from scratch and find something better.

Again, no universal rule, just a spectrum, which is absolutely NOT giving me the easy answers I'm seeking...

Health & Healing Advice: “Feel it” vs “Reframe it” vs “Push through it”

Therapists alone offer beautifully opposite guidance:

• “Feel your feelings.”

• “Don’t trust your feelings, they’re not facts.”

• “Challenge your thoughts to change your response.”

All correct.
All essential.
And each one helps a different person on a different day.

Sometimes you need to sit on the floor and cry.
Sometimes you need to take a breath and recognise that your catastrophic thought is lying to you.
And sometimes you need to put your shoes on and take a walk with those inner thoughts.

Um, hello? You're suposed to be helping me here!

So… is any advice universally good?

This brings us back to the kindness example.

Is it universal?
Is it contradiction-proof?

Interestingly… yes, almost.

Not because kindness means softness, or niceness, or people-pleasing, but because kindness is a way of being, not a prescription for what to do.

• You can hold fierce boundaries kindly.

• You can walk away kindly.

• You can end a relationship kindly.

• You can correct someone kindly.

• You can fight for what you need kindly.

The alternatives people often try to offer (“don’t be a pushover,” “hold people accountable,” “protect yourself”) aren’t contradictions at all. They’re simply expressions of kindness with strength and clarity attached.

Kindness demands humanity but not self-sacrifice. It’s one of the very few pieces of advice that holds up across cultures, professions, and general life situations.

Eye-roll? Okay, fair enough...

If kindness is one universal good intention, what else is good advice that has no legitimate, arguable opposition?

Surprisingly little. But here are a few principles that most wisdom traditions, therapeutic models, and philosophies agree on:

1. Do no harm, where possible — a foundational ethical principle everywhere.

2. Treat people with dignity, even when you disagree, even when you hold a boundary.

3. Take responsibility for your impact, not just your intention.

4. Tell the truth — or at least, don’t lie. Honesty builds trust; dishonesty creates chaos.

5. Leave people better than you found them. In tone, energy, presence, or compassion.

These aren’t rules per se, so I'd consider them as good anchors for the advice you choose when you're receiving a chaotic smorgasbord of opinions on what you should do.

So What Do We Do With Contradictory Advice?

Simple:
We stop treating advice as commandments, and start treating it as ingredients.

Not every ingredient belongs in every dish.
Not every ideal belongs in every life.
Not every piece of advice belongs in your current season.

Instead of taking advice wholesale, ask:

• Does this align with my values?

• Am I someone who would genuinely benefit from the opposite advice right now?

• Where am I in my season of life?

• Does this fit my reality?
• Can I follow this advice with kindness, truthfully, without causing harm, while holding responsibility for my impact, leaving people with dignity and generally better than I found them? 

If this sounds like hard work, then you might need to consider some time away from external influences, like social media, or overbearing friends/relatives, while you work on hearing more of your own inner guidance. That doesn't have to look like traditional meditation with crossed legs and a yoga mat, it can simply be a long walk in nature without any devices leading your eyes or ears. It could simply be a visit to a café where you watch your coffee cool while you ponder gently.

When you use advice with your own seasoning of intelligence, it becomes a better recipe for success... Yum!

If you'd like help finding your inner voice or understanding your values, Happy Citta is here to help!