The Psychology of the Ick: Understanding Annoying People

Published on 23 July 2025 at 11:09

Why Are Some People Just So Annoying!?

(And Other Questions You’d Never Ask Out Loud in a Work Meeting)

Ever met someone who makes your teeth itch just by breathing too close? Someone whose mere presence activates your deepest sigh?

Welcome to the club. We have snacks. And stories.

You’re a human being with a nervous system and a finely tuned annoyance radar - you’re not a terrible person. 


“I'd rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.”

– (Anonymous, but spiritually attributed to every unapologetically spicy soul out there)


But what actually makes someone so irritating? Why does one person’s motivational morning cheer feel like a personal attack, while another’s awkward small talk makes you want to flee into the woods and live with the badgers?

Let’s explore some theories behind this...

 

Theory 1: The Clash of Personality Types

Carl Jung and his successors (think Myers-Briggs, Insights Discovery, and DISC profiles) all agree: we’re not all the same brand of weird. Some of us want bullet points and brisk conversations, others want a warm cup of shared emotions and connection.

If you’re the “I’ll just email” type and your colleague is a “can we jump on a call?” enthusiast, there may be friction. Not because either of you is wrong, but because you're both speaking different dialects of the same language.

Happy Citta's Tip: Understanding someone’s personality style won’t change them. But it might just discourage you from throwing your cuppa in their face - don't give in to those demons just yet!

 

Theory 2: Mirror, Mirror (The Jungian Shadow Self)

Sometimes people annoy us not because they're so different… but because they’re a little too familiar.

According to Carl Jung, we all have a "shadow"—those parts of ourselves we don’t want to acknowledge. So, that super-confident show-off might annoy you because they’re expressing the part of you that wishes you could speak up without panicking.

Translation: Your nemesis might be your inner self, behaving like the class clown you never felt you had the quick-wit for.

 

Theory 3: Adlerian Triggers and the Value Collision

Alfred Adler, bless him, knew that values run deep. If your core value is kindness and someone in the office thinks sarcasm is a personality trait, their every word will feel like a micro-assault. Not because they’re evil. But because they’re poking at your carefully constructed worldview.

Adler also believed in social belonging. If someone makes you feel inferior—intentionally or not—you may react with judgment, withdrawal, or rage-texting your group chat.

Try This: Next time someone grinds your gears, ask: “What value of mine is being challenged here?” You might just discover they’re not the villain (maybe they’re your personal growth opportunity in unflattering trousers).

 

Theory 4: Freud’s Favourite – It’s (Probably) Your Parents

We couldn’t leave him out. Freud. He’d likely say your reaction to an annoying co-worker has more to do with unresolved childhood issues than with Sharon eating loudly at the next desk.

Your exasperation might be displacement. That thing you should have said to your mum/dad/Year 7 bully but didn’t? Congratulations, Sharon’s now carrying the emotional baggage.

Let’s all take a moment of silence for Sharon and her noisy apple.

 

Theory 5: Nervous System Mismatch

Modern psychology is catching up with what yogis have known forever: your body knows before your brain does. If someone’s energy ramps up your nervous system—too fast, too intense, too unpredictable—you might label them “annoying” when really, you’re just overstimulated.

You’re not broken. You’re just processing more than your system can comfortably handle. Sometimes your reaction is less about “them” and more about your own unacknowledged stress or sensory overload.

Happy Citta says: Me Too! But making an excuse to leave the room for a moment, to close your eyes, take a deep breath and adjust your settings to focus in on just the elements of the conversation that you can comfortably and thoughtfully respond to, can be the mini-reset you need to get through the next 20 minutes with that person.

 

Theory 6: Soul Contracts, Star Signs & Spiritual Lessons

Now, let’s get a little woo. For those of us with one foot in the cosmos and another in a spreadsheet, there’s comfort in the idea that some connections—especially the difficult ones—aren’t random. They’re part of a bigger plan.

According to some spiritual traditions, we meet certain people to learn something. The ones who annoy us most? They’re often the “soul contracts” we signed before birth. You read that right. There’s a theory that on the celestial planning board of your life, you agreed:
“Yes, I’ll meet someone in my thirties who constantly interrupts me, so I can finally learn to speak up.”

Thanks, past me.

Astrologers might say your charts are clashing—think Mars square Mercury, or a full-blown Moon-Pluto opposition. (I'm sorry, what??) Translation: your emotional tides are just on different calendars.

Some even believe your birth chart can reveal who you’ll feel an instant “ick” towards—and who’s actually your karmic teacher in disguise.

Spiritual takeaway: Annoyance might just be growth in disguise. A nudge from the universe to evolve. Or at the very least… a divine hint that your boundaries need a touch-up and your incense stash needs restocking.

Happy Citta's Side Note: Whether you believe in star signs or soul paths, one truth remains universal: when someone gets under your skin, there’s usually wisdom to be found just beneath the surface. Sometimes spiritual growth does look like you breathing deeply and saying, “I choose peace,” instead of “I hope you step on Lego.”

 

So, Is It Me? Is It Them? Is It Society?

Yes. All of the above.

Sometimes people are genuinely unpleasant. Sometimes you’re just not compatible. And sometimes your response is the product of years of conditioning, unspoken expectations, or a need for boundaries that haven’t yet been drawn.


What Does Happy Citta Think?

Hi, I'm Katy - the Founder of Happy Citta. Here's a picture of me in Austria, having some lunch before a visit to Freud's family home and clinic - always fascinated by pyschology, even when on my holidays!

 

I'm not interested in quick-fix labels like “toxic” or “high maintenance” (though I love a good meme). I believe in curiosity over conflict. When someone gets under your skin, the most helpful question isn’t “What’s wrong with them?”—it’s “What’s this telling me about me?”

 

Maybe your values are being challenged. Maybe your boundaries need a little reinforcement. Maybe you’re still running on two hours’ sleep and three shots of espresso.

 

The trick isn’t to become unbothered. It’s to notice what bothers you (and why) and to let that teach you something valuable. About your needs. Your energy. Your relationships. Your resilience.

 

And if, after all your soul-searching, they’re still annoying?

It’s okay. You’re allowed to set limits. You’re allowed to laugh it off. You’re allowed to walk away.

Because, at the end of the day, not everyone’s your cup of tea.

And you, my friend, can be exactly who you need to be to serve your own life's purpose, safe in the knowledge that those who don't appreciate your presence have this same inner work to do too!

If you'd like any more information on Happy Citta or the services offered, you can find other helpful pages in the navigation menu at the top of this page (or the top right corner on mobile).

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